uncharted.
25. tennessee.
photographer, sports lover, foodie, daughter, sister, friend
twitter.com/jenlwall:
(Source: yearslater, via quote-book)
Am I lovable? Does love even exist? In my almost 26 years, I’ve never felt it outside of family and I associate love with pain and failure.
Those that open themselves up for love hurt and cry, those that don’t are lonely but aren’t so full of pain.
But then my heart takes on pain from others, and I feel the pain they feel.
Is there a way to win? In my eyes, I see a game you lose constantly.
There comes a time in life where you experience heartbreak. Who am I kidding? We experience multiple heartbreaks in our lifetime.
Whether it be death, losing a job, ending a friendship or a break up — heartbreak is imminent in life.
When someone knows that they’re breaking your heart and are unapologetic, that is one of the toughest heartbreaks to endure. When there are no apologies and it’s just simply selfishness, those are the worst of all.
When you put your faith in someone because they tell you how much they care about you and then they break your heart by choice with no sense of an apology, it’s seriously tough to handle.
I hate the way it’s made me act and feel.
You feel worthless, you feel angry, you feel sad, you take the blame, you beg — all in all, you stoop to an all time low.
The only thing I can do now is live my life and live it well.
I’ve thrown myself into work — my full time job and my freelance job. I’m happier than I have ever been, even though sometimes I have my moments when I feel down.
I’ve gone on a couple of dates with people, and I’ve reconnected with some old friends which has really put the healing process in the express lane.
The more I look back, the more I think it was the best thing.
Being with someone who belittled my intelligence (and also made me feel guilty for being intelligent), who constantly patronized me and was completely selfish when I was selfless wasn’t healthy at all.
The reason I post this is because I hope that if anyone is in a relationship like this, take off the blinders that the person has on you and get out.
You’ll be better for it.
As for healing, run. And do a lot of it. I run and I work out, I cook, I moved out of my parents house and I’m simply living my life and living it well. Stand up for yourself and demand the truth if that person won’t give it to you. Don’t back down and stand your ground.
Most importantly, don’t let that person string you along and mess with your feelings.
You are worth more than that. Don’t let anyone make you feel differently.
Today it was announced that Pat Head Summitt, coach of the Tennessee Lady Vols and fellow UT Martin alum, has been diagnosed with early onset dementia.
This is the saddest news that I have heard in a long time. It saddens me to know that at some point in life, she won’t remember leading the Lady Vols to 8 titles. She won’t remember her time at UT Martin. She won’t remember the faces of her former players or her family.
Sometimes is takes something like this to pay attention to what’s in front of you and take it in more. The green leaves on the trees, the color of my mother’s eyes, the way my pet turns to me when I say ‘Maggie’ because I know her name.
May I never take these things for granted and may Pat Summitt’s family embrace her with a system of support as big as the entire state of Tennessee.
Pat will always be one of my heroes and could quite possibly be the greatest basketball coach — ladies and men — of all time.
Lately, I’ve been having these nightmares about people that I love or care for deeply leaving me by choice.
It’s not a particularly nasty nightmare; it’s just recurring, depressing and one of the things that I fear most. I know that people that I love won’t always leave me, but it’s also true that sometimes things that you haven’t experienced before freak you out to the point where you don’t know what to do.
You make a large deal out of minute things and jeopardize everything, then end up screwing yourself out of the happiness that the relationship gives you. You’re so scared of losing it, that you ruin it yourself by a specific choice.
I know for a fact that I don’t want to go through this life alone and I also know for a fact that you can feel really alone even in a huge group of people. But when it comes to a relationship, sometimes you don’t want to lose it but it scares the hell out of you anyway.
This is the boat that I’m in now. I can’t tell if I’m sinking in stormy waters, or if I’m calm on a boat on The Caldera like Kostos in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Maybe, I’m somewhere in between the boat tied to the shore and the stormy waters with no land in sight.
The only thing I do know is that God is with me if no one else is and things will work out according to His plan.
NOT mine.
